Collage of my mind

First of all, I apologize for blogging so much lately. I try not to do a lot at once, but I've needed to get my thoughts down in writing a lot lately.

Second of all, if you haven't already noticed, I added a music player with a playlist of songs that fit my life. It only has a few, but they were ones that I relate to and I tried to order in a way that fit my life specifically.

And now the the main part of this blog.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Sometimes it's a good thing, because I get things thought through and straightened out. However, in most cases it's dangerous for me to be thinking too deeply. I think too far into things, things that should be obvious to me but aren't, such as my worth. I've gotten better, but there are days when I want to just give up.

Lately I find myself crying for no reason. It hasn't been too bad recently, but I still cry, and usually because I'm overwhelmed with everything. I got so distracted during church this morning I had to write... Which I only do if I absolutely have to; I really try to listen to Pastor Jerry's sermons. I seriously filled up almost the entire page, even with my hand throbbing. (For those who don't know, I bruised the heel of my hand in CPR class yesterday and couldn't use my other hand, and hurt my wrist in the process.) I didn't think writing all my thoughts down would affect me as much as it did... I cried pretty much the entire time.

First of all, there's college. I really really really really really want to go to George Fox, but they only guarantee transfer spots until June 1st which is Tuesday. I think I have a plan to get that to work, but it's not for sure. If I miss this date, I spend the next year finding a job and saving for both college and a car. While it would be nice to stay home another year, I really do think I need to move and experience the change that everyone needs.

Friendships: Because of my mood changes lately to a more mellow personality and not as bubbly, it's causing friction with a friend who is VERY bubbly and always needs my attention. I realize now this is how I was, and why it was hurting my friends. Also, another one of my friends is not one who likes to help me personally, she prefers to just pray for me, which I really appreciate, but it's hard for me to remember to not be so needy. My friends are my family, so I treat them the way I want to treat my family, but they have their own families so it cause more problems.

Relationships: Haha... yeah. I'm struggling right now, because I'm trying to focus on life and my faith and not worry about whether or not I;m dating anyone. I've gotten to the point where I'm honestly content being single, but there is someone who sort of like... and might like me... It's very distracting. I've done better the past few days but I wonder how long it will last.

Faith: I'm struggling a lot lately. I've been slacking on my daily Bible reading, and I'm having to force myself to catch up. I still need to the bible study portion of Lady in Waiting. I just feel so lost... and not connected. Lately church hasn't meant much to me, which it strange because it actually hurts to not care about it. I'm trying, I really am... it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm pretty sure it's because of all that's going through my head.

I would add another catagory, but I'd rather certain people didn't know about it and bug me, because it would only make it worse.

I hope I can finding the reason and meaning in all of this.

Blank...

This song has been running through my head the past few days. I even dreamed about it two nights ago and had to play it yesterday on my iTunes. I love its deep meaning.

I know I just blogged, but I'm still scared. Today was just as hard. And then I went looking at Flairs on FB.... That was a bad idea. I keep crying, and I'm sure my lack of sleep isn't helping my mental or emotional state. I'm worried about finals because my history grade is already jeopardy... I can't fail the final. Unfortunately, I'm so distracted I don't think studying will go well.

I know I stress too much...

I think I need a break. I can't wait for summer.

Scared....

I'm honestly scared.....


Tonight was fun. It really was. I'm glad I decided to go instead of back out. However.... I did not think it would come back. Especially THERE of all places.

It was hard fighting it... It really was. I'm just grateful that I have friends who know what I mean when I tell them something and don't tell anyone else. (Thank you, you know who you are!) Still...

I want/wanted this to end. I thought it was over.

I don't want to fight this battle anymore.

Blog award!

So I never got around to posting this before, but Amber kindly gave me my first blog award!

I thought it was sweet of what she said, saying that she appreciated the comments I always leave on her blog :) And isn't it just the cutest picture?? Who doesn't love chipmunks! I thought about passing it along, but I don't really have many blogging friends (besides Amber) that actually read my blog. The only one I can think of is Nicki! So Nicki, please accept this award! :)


If you can think of someone else I'm friends with that has a blog (and reads mine) please let me know. :) Thanks again Amber!

Worth

These past few days, I have seriously been questioning my worth. Not just as a person, but as a friend as well.

All I ever do is stuff that's wrong or doesn't turn out right. I break or ruin a lot of stuff. I've tried to break the "I'm worthless" thoughts, but when they're ingrained in your head from childhood, they don't go away. They only hide for a little while.

And then there's friends... I'm losing trust with friends over things that I've promised time and again is not an issue. (And I do everything possible not to break a promise.) I have friends that don't even want to hang out with me anymore. I know we don't normally, but every once in awhile would be nice, and they don't want to at all. Along with that, I always feel like a shadow, and that I'm not seen for myself. It's frustrating. And I'm always afraid of losing friends... That's my biggest fear. You don't know what it's like to lose a friend until it happens. It hurts more than you expect it to, and the hurt never goes away. Ever.

I'm sure you all think I'm a psycho, overdramic person by this point. That's fine, whatever. I just don't see my worth anymore.

Spinning thoughts...

I feel compelled to blog right now, but I'm not sure where to start.

I've been having insomnia issues the past week or so, where I'll take an hour or longer to fall asleep and then wake up in the middle of the night for an hour, or wake up at 6 or 7. It's been hard on me because I'm a person who loves my sleep. I'm used to sleeping from 10:30-9! It's been causing me to slack on school, which is bad because my grades are already risky. I don't even want to KNOW what my grade is in history...

Also for awhile I've been getting in these moods where I feel listless and have no energy, and just don't care. I float around like I'm just here to be alive, and nothing more. It's strange, because it also is causing my normally bubbly personality to switch to a more mellow, calm one. The girl who normally needs all the attention is becoming the quiet, thoughtful one who likes alone time. This is strange to adjust to, because it reminds me of the times when I'd be depressed and cut or whatever, so I feel like this change is a bad thing. At the same time, I know I need that calmer side, I just don't feel like I'm finding a happy medium.

I realized today even if my friends sometimes aren't there for me, or seem to not care, they always have a way of noticing if something is off. Tonight had a message I was not expecting, or prepared for, and I started crying during the service. I got a hug for it, which only made it worse. (No worries.) Then later I got another one, an unusually long one, which made me cry again, but gave a little chance for talking. I think I just got overwhelmed with everything that's happened lately (Thursday relief, college's stress, etc.) that it all hit me at once. Another reason my lack of sleep is not good.

I guess I'll wrap up my rambling now. I'm getting a headache, and I'm hoping I can sleep it off. (Yeah right, but it's worth a try.) Pray for me, please?

Great weekend!

Today = LOVE

Seriously, if I died right now, I would die a happy girl :)

Friday was nice, finished my tiny amount of homework and most of laundry. Laid in the SUN for over an hour! :D Mmmmmm, sunshine :)

Saturday was nice, finished the laundry (one load), and played Riven most of the day until 9:58PM when I beat it :D I think I laid in the sun for another hour then too :)

Today, I woke up sick. :/ Still not back to normal. However, I dragged myself to church for my "date". Tennis + BBQ + Something I care not to mention = PERFECT. Seriously, I had so much fun! I don't regret going at all :) The concert/service was freaking LONG... Not excellent by any means, but tolerable.

Nicki took me home and gave me a Tinkerbell pin for my lanyards! :D Pulling them out was fun in itself :) Hanging with her and Minnie for awhile was fun :)

Now I'm just thinking... Life is good, but not great. I have a lot of stuff to deal with, and I'm getting more stuff added on my plate daily. I feel like I just need to slow down and deal with one thing at a time, but I don't know where to start.

Hm. Maybe I'll go to bed early and sleep on this.

May Festival and computer game

Hmmmmmmmm.

I went to the May Festival today, after spending all day at home resting to make sure I was well enough to go. I'm still sick, but my sinuses aren't throbbing anymore and my nose is much less stuffed up from before. My throat still hurts as well, but not as badly.

So anyways, it was fun. Spending time with my mom at church is not a usual occurrance, so this was a bit of a treat for me. It went well, and Liney (sp?) immediately took great liking to my mom and proceeded to sit by her the rest of night. My mom said she didn't mind too much though, so that's a relief. The ribs were delicious as always but I'm still not entirely impressed by Mr. Disher's cobbler, no offense. I didn't even finish mine.

The speaker.... oh dear. She said so much I can relate to myself I don't even remember half of it. The one question that is still buzzing in my mind is whether or not it's possible for me to "bloom". I suppose it could be, as she made it sound like everyone does, but I seem to be the one constantly messing up and not getting very far in life. Maybe this is only my perception? Maybe this is temporary? I dunno. One thing that I do know is that my friends care about me more than I thought. I would go into detail, but it was a gesture so kind I'd like to keep it personal, even if it was extremely simple.

I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago, but I was playing a game called Love and Death: Bitten. It's about a girl who sets out to free her village from two vampires but ends up falling in love with one of them and attempts to free him from the other's spell. Let me say right now: they had better make a sequel or I will be VERY disappointed. The game brought up a few questions too, such as would anyone come that close to danger or death to save me? Maybe I'm being too deep.

Well I need to go to bed, or I'm going to be sick again tomorrow. This staying up late thing is not good for my immune system.

Poll and Mother's Day

So the poll was ANOTHER 3-way tie. Seriously, you're killing me people. I guess I'll keep this one for now but certain fonts I can't read so I do want to change it eventually.

Today was interesting.... Briefly talked to Pastor Nate, which was fine. We sang for YVOP and I was the only solid middle since Leanne hadn't sung it until today and the other two middles have a tendency to sing high. Still, it went well. Mother's Day... was better than I expected. We went to Salem and I found DDR Supernova for $5! I've wanted that one forever :D Just ran around doing shopping for my mom, basically. Then...

Oh man. I was hoping that would not come up, but unfortunately it did. I hope that does not mess anything up.

And I slightly messed up my mom's bread. But otherwise, today was good.

Happy Mother's Day!

Poll results and life update

So I'm warning you, this one will probably be really long.

First of all, my poll results. So to my dismay, my current layout won. I'm still not sure if I like this one well enough, so I'll do one last poll with the three 2nd-placers:

Until a Brighter Day

Resistance

Summer Love

We'll see... I might keep this one. But vote anyway, please.

And life... Many sub-topics. I'll start with the camp training and camp.

I am so glad I went to the training! It seemed like everything she said was related to me. One thing from Friday she said that hit me was: "You can't move on with your life until you let go of the past." I really need to work on this because I base all my future/current relationships on past hurts and so I have a hard time trusting people. She also talked about giving our testimony, which will be hard for me. My testimony is long-winded and very detailed, but is not suitable for 5th and 6th graders. I need to be ready to share it, and make it so I don't scare my poor girls away. Also, Leanne and I were going to be co-counselors since it's first year for both of us and Lynn, head of the activities for all camps said that would be fine. However when I talked to the director of our camp she said it would depend on numbers. Ahhh! I do not want to be by myself :( I hope that all works out.

Next, today's talk. (I hope you don't mind me posting this Lindsay!)

I have to say, I am sooooo glad Lindsay and I got to talk. I had thought things that were not the case, and we were able to just say how we feel. It's funny, because the issue that got me so upset in the first place ended up switching completely! I spent most of the day with her, since we ran around town doing some stuff. It was really fun :) And I hope you are sitting down, because I gave her two of my purses! That's right: not one, but TWO! Haha, I was so proud of myself :)

And the third thing...

I made a pretty big decision today. I had been considering it the past few days, but I had been leaning one way and then something with another person really helped me to make the final decision. Sorry about being cryptic, but I'd rather not go into detail right now. It'll all be sorted out soon.

I only have one last midterm, history tomorrow. I hope it'll go okay. I hate history. I'm really glad I only had two midterms, and one was pretty easy. I just hope finals go as smoothly!

Life is going pretty well I think. It looks like I'll be attending George Fox, which is really exciting because they are my top choice! I just have the deposit to pay this week and a couple of forms to mail and I'm set.

I just hope this weeks stays positive :)

Camp Training

I had so much fun last night! Camp training was amazing. Unfortunately I don't have the time to do a full blog post right now, so I'll combine it with the poll results on my layout tomorrow or Monday.