These past few days, I have seriously been questioning my worth. Not just as a person, but as a friend as well.
All I ever do is stuff that's wrong or doesn't turn out right. I break or ruin a lot of stuff. I've tried to break the "I'm worthless" thoughts, but when they're ingrained in your head from childhood, they don't go away. They only hide for a little while.
And then there's friends... I'm losing trust with friends over things that I've promised time and again is not an issue. (And I do everything possible not to break a promise.) I have friends that don't even want to hang out with me anymore. I know we don't normally, but every once in awhile would be nice, and they don't want to at all. Along with that, I always feel like a shadow, and that I'm not seen for myself. It's frustrating. And I'm always afraid of losing friends... That's my biggest fear. You don't know what it's like to lose a friend until it happens. It hurts more than you expect it to, and the hurt never goes away. Ever.
I'm sure you all think I'm a psycho, overdramic person by this point. That's fine, whatever. I just don't see my worth anymore.
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I'm sorry you're still having a hard time with struggles of the past. Little things can bring back old anger, frustration, jealousy, hurt. It's a daily trial to bring these feelings under control. I applaud you for your hard work in doing so. I know you've been trying. Just keep going!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sorry that you feel worthless. You know, times when we don't feel like we can do anything or things will ever work out are times when we can depend more on God. Only through him are we ever able to do anything of consequence. Maybe you are trying too hard to see yourself as worth something outside of God, when really he is what gives you worth.
I want you to read Psalm 131:1-3. I read this the other day, and I like how it says that We don't have to understand everything, because some things are above what we can understand. But the author still quiets his soul and can be content with that. You may not know why you are the way you are, but God made you that way. Read Psalm 139 also, it's so true! Just rest in the fact that God loves you and doesn't think you're a failure at all.
Haha now you have a devotional, written by Lindsay West. But I really hope you take these verses to heart. They help me when I feel worthless. I love you!
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This is completely off-topic, but did you like the book Napoleon's Buttons? And do you own it? It sounds really interesting, and I might like to borrow it. :)
Ariel ~ I'm sorry you are feeling these things and I'm sorry if I've done anything to increase them. I know you've probably heard this a million times, but you are NOT worthless. You are worth so much to me and all your friends, but you mean even more to God. He has made you the way you are for a reason and I pray that you will depend on him more and more and that the hard times will draw you closer to God. It says in the Bible that we all have a purpose, a reason to live. I'm not trying to preach to you, but simply trying to encorage you. If you wan to talk about anything I am here. :)I love you and will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove, Rachel