Collage of my mind

First of all, I apologize for blogging so much lately. I try not to do a lot at once, but I've needed to get my thoughts down in writing a lot lately.

Second of all, if you haven't already noticed, I added a music player with a playlist of songs that fit my life. It only has a few, but they were ones that I relate to and I tried to order in a way that fit my life specifically.

And now the the main part of this blog.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Sometimes it's a good thing, because I get things thought through and straightened out. However, in most cases it's dangerous for me to be thinking too deeply. I think too far into things, things that should be obvious to me but aren't, such as my worth. I've gotten better, but there are days when I want to just give up.

Lately I find myself crying for no reason. It hasn't been too bad recently, but I still cry, and usually because I'm overwhelmed with everything. I got so distracted during church this morning I had to write... Which I only do if I absolutely have to; I really try to listen to Pastor Jerry's sermons. I seriously filled up almost the entire page, even with my hand throbbing. (For those who don't know, I bruised the heel of my hand in CPR class yesterday and couldn't use my other hand, and hurt my wrist in the process.) I didn't think writing all my thoughts down would affect me as much as it did... I cried pretty much the entire time.

First of all, there's college. I really really really really really want to go to George Fox, but they only guarantee transfer spots until June 1st which is Tuesday. I think I have a plan to get that to work, but it's not for sure. If I miss this date, I spend the next year finding a job and saving for both college and a car. While it would be nice to stay home another year, I really do think I need to move and experience the change that everyone needs.

Friendships: Because of my mood changes lately to a more mellow personality and not as bubbly, it's causing friction with a friend who is VERY bubbly and always needs my attention. I realize now this is how I was, and why it was hurting my friends. Also, another one of my friends is not one who likes to help me personally, she prefers to just pray for me, which I really appreciate, but it's hard for me to remember to not be so needy. My friends are my family, so I treat them the way I want to treat my family, but they have their own families so it cause more problems.

Relationships: Haha... yeah. I'm struggling right now, because I'm trying to focus on life and my faith and not worry about whether or not I;m dating anyone. I've gotten to the point where I'm honestly content being single, but there is someone who sort of like... and might like me... It's very distracting. I've done better the past few days but I wonder how long it will last.

Faith: I'm struggling a lot lately. I've been slacking on my daily Bible reading, and I'm having to force myself to catch up. I still need to the bible study portion of Lady in Waiting. I just feel so lost... and not connected. Lately church hasn't meant much to me, which it strange because it actually hurts to not care about it. I'm trying, I really am... it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm pretty sure it's because of all that's going through my head.

I would add another catagory, but I'd rather certain people didn't know about it and bug me, because it would only make it worse.

I hope I can finding the reason and meaning in all of this.