Reminicing

I went back and from some of my old blogs from 2009. Oh, the memories.

That was a really hard year for me. I have absolutely no desire to repeat. My emotions were on the worst roller coaster of my life, and I was being hit with one things after another. I was miserable.

So much has changed since then. Not only have a I gotten older, but I would like to think I've gotten more mature as well. And many of my friends have done the same.

I've done some crazy things these last 5 years; things I would never have imagined I would get to do. I don't regret any of them.

I am who I am because of everything that has happened these past 5 years, started with everything in 2009. They have shaped me into who I am today, and I wouldn't change any of it.

Hidden Emotions

All I show is anger.

Inside I am hurting. Crying.

I lash out, but I'm hiding the truth. I can't handle the pain, so I create more pain.

No one knows the truth.

Pain, always pain. Nothing but pain.

For those who don't know, I am also a book blogger. This past week the book blogging community was shocked to learn that The Story Siren, who was my favorite blogger and was one of the more successful book bloggers, had plagiarized two blogs with multiple posts. Needless to say, I was heartbroken. I respected her, and now it's hard to know what content is actually hers and what isn't.

The reason I'm writing this post is to address the issue of plagiarism. Many people think that simply copy-pasting content is considered plagiarism, but in reality it is a lot more. If you read someone else's content or ideas, and only change small parts to make it your own, that is also plagiarism. If you ask for permission and give them credit, that is one thing. But when you take it and even tweak it slightly, without giving them credit, that's when you become a plagiarist.

I know this post is random, and not much like my usual posts, and I apologize for that. I'm hoping to get back into regular posts soon.

Seasonal Depression

Yeah... so I haven't posted on here in over a month. But here we go.

This week was insane. It started out okay, and then from about 9PM Monday night to about 10PM Wednesday night it became one of the worst 48 hour time frames of my life. I cried way more than I have in awhile, and made way too many phone calls to people to cry and vent. Apparently that was not enough, because although my week got better, I found out all 7 of my roommates from Fox went to a birthday dinner for one of them, and did not invite me. Not a big deal, because I'm not there, right? Normally yes, but they also invited the Kelsey that left Fox when I did... so I felt really left out. And it was only made worse because I've been missing Fox so much lately that even mentioning it to someone causes me to start crying.

On top of THAT, I was really hoping to see someone this morning and get a hug from them, because they had told me they would be home. They didn't come home... and I was really upset. I don't even know why. I think it's because without my best friend here it's really hard for me to cope without having those three people around that I go to for hugs and venting... and that person is one of them. I kind of lost it... called them a liar. Sigh. I don't understand my mood swings.

Normally this isn't surprising, because I live in Oregon and pretty much have what is called "seasonal depression". Basically it occurs in very snowy or rainy areas, and usually during winters months. People affected by it get depressed more often in the winter, and mainly just because of the weather. This week has suddenly hit 70s and 80s and is sunny, so my mood has considerably improved... but I'm still having these mood swings which don't make sense.

I don't know why I get like this. It's just as frustrating for me as it is for the people that I take it out on. I just want to be happy again.

Distracted

I haven't updated in awhile, so here's a quick one.

I have finals this week. I'm trying to write my business final paper, but I'm writing this instead. Why? Because once again, I'm over-thinking and reading into people's words.

You say I'm fine... and I believe you. Don't get me wrong, I do. I just don't want to go back to where we were last week. Today was the first time in a few weeks I was happy to talk to you! It shouldn't be that way. Not at all.

I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm the one at fault here, I know that. Like I said, I worry. I read into things. It's not healthy, and it certainly doesn't help any of my relationships.

The only thing I can do now is try and move past what's happened. Of course, that's going to be hard. That's who I am, I cling to the past. I'm learning everyday how to do it. I just hope you'll stick by me. I love you.

Lying Hurts

I say that I won't lie,
Because I hate it.

"So I'm not worth the truth?
It hurts me more than you know."

But what hurts me more
Is the knowledge that I lie.
I say I won't lie,
Yet I lie over and over.

Lying has ruined relationships.
Being a hypocrite has hurt myself more than being lied to.

Lying makes everything worse.

I realized something today.

I keep telling myself that someday I’ll find the perfect guy. In reality? He will never be perfect.

We’re all human, so we’re all flawed. Anyone I fall in love with, and whoever I marry will always have flaws. He won’t be perfect, but we will be the perfect guy for me.

Along with that, I realize I will never be perfect. I have flaws, and I always will. I’m emotional, I worry way too much, I’m too cuddly, I can be immature, but that’s who I am. I will always have flaws. If someone can’t accept me with those flaws, then they aren’t worth it.

Someday, I’ll find a man who sees my flaws and loves each and every one of them :)

Great Sunday turned sad...

For those who are my Facebook friends, you probably saw that just an hour or so ago I posted that today was a perfect Sunday. I went on to read all my blogs, and discovered that the author one of my most inspirational ones passed away last night.

To most people, this would seem sad, but not such a big deal. To me, it's a huge deal.

Yeah, she was just a blogger and I never even met her, but her story was, is, so inspirational! She went through so much physical and emotional pain, and yet she still trusted that God was taking care of her. It just amazes me how someone can have that kind of faith, the kind where they don't even question God for a second.

But I know that people will continue to come across her blog and read her amazing life, and she will continue to touch people's lives.

Sara was an inspiration to me in her life, and I know she will continue to be in her death. Please go and read her amazing story, she truly deserves to have it read.

Crying is supposed to make you feel better.

I've been bottling up my emotions for the past two weeks. Finally I've been crying like crazy. Seriously, I've cried about 5 times in a span of a week. Who does that?

I was hoping crying would make me feel better... but it only makes me feel worse. I don't even know why I'm so upset. I just cry. A certain song will come on, and I start crying to the point that I can't breathe.

I just want to stop feeling like this.