It's Happened

The one thing I have been avoiding has happened.

...I've officially been diagnosed with depression.

It sounds funny. It shouldn't be a big deal.

But it is.

I don't want to be labeled.

I know, I know.

"Depression isn't a label!" It doesn't define you." "You're so much more than that!"

I've spent half of my life fighting this; trying to convince myself this isn't who I am. But now it's clear it's entirely who I am.

I'm going to try and come to terms with this diagnosis. I'm going to have to, after all. It's not going away anytime soon.

A day later, I'm doing better. I'm less shell-shocked than I was. After all, I went in just to talk about counseling; I wasn't expecting to leave with a diagnosis. However, I'm realizing that this isn't just who I am. I am more than this. I can get through this, with my own strength, God's strength, and the support of my friends and family. I will not let this define me.

So what now?

My doctor has a referral in for counseling, hopefully in the next couple of weeks since my cutting is still an issue. She also ordered some labs centered around my fatigue to see if it is from the depression or if it's something else, such as a lack of some nutrient.

I will still live my life. I will still push on. And I will get better. Day by day.

Reminicing

I went back and from some of my old blogs from 2009. Oh, the memories.

That was a really hard year for me. I have absolutely no desire to repeat. My emotions were on the worst roller coaster of my life, and I was being hit with one things after another. I was miserable.

So much has changed since then. Not only have a I gotten older, but I would like to think I've gotten more mature as well. And many of my friends have done the same.

I've done some crazy things these last 5 years; things I would never have imagined I would get to do. I don't regret any of them.

I am who I am because of everything that has happened these past 5 years, started with everything in 2009. They have shaped me into who I am today, and I wouldn't change any of it.

Yay Vlog!

Because this is such a loooooong update, I'm making you watch it to find out what I'm up to ;) It involves a crazy boyfriend, Disney, apartments, lack of a cat, and much more! It's worth it, I promise!

Seasonal Depression

Yeah... so I haven't posted on here in over a month. But here we go.

This week was insane. It started out okay, and then from about 9PM Monday night to about 10PM Wednesday night it became one of the worst 48 hour time frames of my life. I cried way more than I have in awhile, and made way too many phone calls to people to cry and vent. Apparently that was not enough, because although my week got better, I found out all 7 of my roommates from Fox went to a birthday dinner for one of them, and did not invite me. Not a big deal, because I'm not there, right? Normally yes, but they also invited the Kelsey that left Fox when I did... so I felt really left out. And it was only made worse because I've been missing Fox so much lately that even mentioning it to someone causes me to start crying.

On top of THAT, I was really hoping to see someone this morning and get a hug from them, because they had told me they would be home. They didn't come home... and I was really upset. I don't even know why. I think it's because without my best friend here it's really hard for me to cope without having those three people around that I go to for hugs and venting... and that person is one of them. I kind of lost it... called them a liar. Sigh. I don't understand my mood swings.

Normally this isn't surprising, because I live in Oregon and pretty much have what is called "seasonal depression". Basically it occurs in very snowy or rainy areas, and usually during winters months. People affected by it get depressed more often in the winter, and mainly just because of the weather. This week has suddenly hit 70s and 80s and is sunny, so my mood has considerably improved... but I'm still having these mood swings which don't make sense.

I don't know why I get like this. It's just as frustrating for me as it is for the people that I take it out on. I just want to be happy again.

Distracted

I haven't updated in awhile, so here's a quick one.

I have finals this week. I'm trying to write my business final paper, but I'm writing this instead. Why? Because once again, I'm over-thinking and reading into people's words.

You say I'm fine... and I believe you. Don't get me wrong, I do. I just don't want to go back to where we were last week. Today was the first time in a few weeks I was happy to talk to you! It shouldn't be that way. Not at all.

I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm the one at fault here, I know that. Like I said, I worry. I read into things. It's not healthy, and it certainly doesn't help any of my relationships.

The only thing I can do now is try and move past what's happened. Of course, that's going to be hard. That's who I am, I cling to the past. I'm learning everyday how to do it. I just hope you'll stick by me. I love you.

Birthday Party!

Hi everyone! I know I've been a horrible blogger and haven't posted in awhile, but today is a special occasion. Today is Ms. Hannah Cerasoli's birthday! :D

I thought we would sing her the Happy Birthday song, but we're going to have some very special critters lead us ;)






Heeheehee! Too cute :) Well anyways, for the final part of Hannah's birthday celebration, I have a special poem for her. Enjoy!

A Friend Like You by Natasha

Everyone should have

a friend like you

You are so much fun to be with

And you are such a good person

You crack me up with laughter

And touch my heart with your kindness

You have a wonderful ability

To know when to offer advice

And when to sit in quiet support

Time after time

You've come to my rescue

And brightend so many

Of my routine days

And time after time

I've realized how fortunate

I am that my life includes you

I really do believe that

Everybody should have a friend like you

But so far it looks like

You are one of a kind!

Yup. Fits her like a glove :) Happy birthday my dear, I hope it is a fabulous one!

Finally an update!

I was planning on writing this post on Saturday... but that didn't happen due to me doing my homework all day long :P So I'm writing it now! Since I have no homework and am bored out of my mind, I don't really have an excuse.

The first week of classes was TORTURE. I honestly almost started crying the first day. My Client-Server Programming class is already kicking my butt. Luckily I have friends in that class that understand it better than I do, but it's still really hard for me. My other CS class, Software Engineering, is actually pretty easy so far! Really, Client-Server Programming is my only hard class. If I can keep up in that class, I should easily pass my classes this semester. (And hopefully pull my GPA back up!)

Our brother floor this year is SO MUCH better than last year's. They have already had a bro/sis floor dinner with us and a game night, and we're friends with most of them on Facebook. My roommates are considering asking them to all go as a group to the Sophomore formal :P They're all super nice :)

I got to go visit L Sunday, and me, her, K and J went to Powell's and the mall. It was so much fun but SO HOT. Seriously, I got sick it was so bad. I got a really cute new white leopard print cami :D I'm wearing it in this picture, but you might not be able to tell. I'm also wearing a skirt, which rarely happens :P

Classes are going fine now, except for Programming of course. Music Fundamentals is a CAKEWALK. That class bores me, to be honest. Unfortunately... I need it for an art credit so I can't just drop it. And it'll be fun... except for having to compose our own song for out final! Scary.

I've been reading a tons, and will keep reading even more because I have a bunch of blog tours due for my other blog. So if I don't update as much as I'd like, that would be why! But you can always bug me if you want me to update ;) I will possibly be finishing my new layout tonight... but no promises! (So you might want to read this on the actual blog to see haha!)

Hope everyone who has already started school isn't drowning yet, and good luck to those who still need to start!

True friends

A blogger friend called me a rare bird today. Otherwise known as a true friend. It meant a lot to me, because while I do enjoy reading her blogs and we are friends on other sites, I didn't think she really considered me a good blogger friend. I like knowing that I can be there for someone in spirit, even if I can't be there physically.

I really do love helping my friends out. I complain to them so often that I feel like I need to return the favor. And I love them dearly enough that I'll protect them to the ends of the earth and back if I need to.

I also try to being non-judgmental when people tell me things that are sensitive or that they might not want to be public knowledge. I know from personal experience that it's much easier to tell someone something if you know they will take it well. It's hard to be honest in the world these days when everyone is so passionate about what they believe. While I am passionate about a lot of things (abortion, for example) I also love hearing other people's beliefs and why they believe the way they do.

Everyone has a story, you just need to be willing to listen.